Missing her...

I don't know why I let myself read blogs of other Baby Loss Mamas sometimes. I love knowing that I am not alone in this and that there are other mommies who can't hold all their children at the same time. I guess sometimes I push the ache of losing Natalie to the back of my heart where I can't feel it so intensely. She's always there, but I guess most days I can look at her pictures in the living room with fond and warm memories. But then I find a Baby Loss Mama's blog and start reading her story and remember...how awful it was to receive her diagnosis...how terrible it was to be told I was so sick with preeclampsia that she had to be induced...how wonderful it was to finally look into her eyes and know she knew I was her mommy, but then, just a few short hours later...how heartbreaking it was to say goodbye...how painful the ride to the mortuary was with her carseat between us in the backseat of our car...how gut-wrenching it was to hand my baby over to a man in a black suit and watch him leave the room with her and I would never see her again. Reading other's stories brings all those emotions that I am usually pretty good at hiding to the surface again and it all feels like it happened yesterday. Oh how I miss her. I hate having to remind Malachi that he has two sisters, getting funny looks from people trying to figure things out when I tell them I have 3 children but they only see 2 kids riding in the shopping cart, sitting at a meeting and finding notes in the back of a notebook from a specialist when we got a second opinion that I didn't know were there. I just don't know what else to say...I just miss my Natalie so much tonight...love you sweetheart...see you soon.