My Little Boy No More

Sapphira has been struggling with the terrible sickies that have been going around for the last little bit.  Fevers, cough, chills, runny nose and lethargy have been her main problems for the last few days.  Wednesday morning, she woke up with a fever again, so I called her sitter to tell her she wasn't coming and I stayed home from work to care for her.  Samuel went to work early so I was in charge of getting Malachi to school.  We loaded up into the truck and drove the 4 minute drive to his school.  I stopped at the crosswalk to let him out and he hopped out and said "I love you, Momma!" before slamming the door closed behind him.  As I watched him walk into his school I nearly burst into tears.  Long gone is the little boy who always reached for my hand to hold when he was in even a slightly unfamiliar environment.  Gone is the boy who needed affirmation he was doing the right things at the right time or sought my approval countless times throughout the day.  He walked along the sidewalk, knowing just where to stop to make sure with the crosswalk guard it was ok to pass through the bus lane, that the right-hand door was the correct door to enter and, as I peered into his school from behind the steering wheel, exactly which hallway to take to get to class, all while his slightly too large backpack bounced confidently on his shoulders.  I know that he'll still feel like he needs me for at least a couple more years, but my Bubbo isn't a little boy any longer.  I'm praying he continues to transform into the strong, confident boy is already starting to become. 

But I still miss my baby...

Catch up!

I'm starting to play catch up!  Below you will find some back-dated posts from when I stopped posting back in August.  Oy!

Family Adventure Day!
Snuggly Baby Gift
Happy Little Trees
Wedding, Horses and Sand...Oh My!
and because I wanted to post something more about the baby, I jumped ahead and wrote this It's A...

Since I'm starting the end stages of my pregnancy (32 weeks 2 days today!), I'm not sleeping well and I hope to have more time on my hands in the evenings to edit pictures and write posts.  I'm on a roll, and I don't want to stop it! As you can also see I got a wild hair and decided to change the look of my blog a bit, too.  I just have to find a header I like now!

A hand to hold...

This is probably not the way to break my blog silence.  This a thoughtful and sad post.  I plan on updating with all the holiday posts with happy pictures soon, but this was on my mind...

Last night, I went to see Les Miserables with three dear friends and one new one.  I had been anticipating this movie and was excited to watch all the big name actors do their stuff and sing.  I have never seen any of the other movies or had any exposure to this story, so little did I know it was so full of suffering.  The story follows several characters through the times of the French Revolution, highlighting their struggles and, for most of them, chronicling their deaths.  I was amazed that I, in my hormonal and always-on-the-verge-of-tears state, didn't cry when I watched Fantine, hallucinate her daughter, Cosette's image and die crying out to her and worrying about her well-being.  I didn't shed a single tear when a small boy not much older than Malachi was shot and killed by the French soldiers for taking up the Revolution's cause.  I just shuddered when Javert through himself from a bridge because he felt so badly about his past.

I thought I might make it through the entire heart breaking story without crying, until the last scene.  One of the main characters, Jean ValJean, the man who sat with Fantine when she died and promised to care for her Cosette as his own, saw that she was to be well taken care of by her soon-to-be husband and snuck away to a convent to die alone.  The newlyweds, on their wedding day, found out where he was, rushed to his side and pleaded with him to hold on because there was still so much for him to live for.  As they begged him not to go, Fantine appears to Jean and comforts him as he dies and makes his transition to his afterlife.  Although his daughter was weeping at his feet, Jean was not scared or sad because Fantine was with him.  I cried and cried, but not for Jean ValJean or even Cosette. 

I wept for my Natalie. 

I know that Samuel and I were with her when she died.  I held tightly to her body and Samuel grasped her finger the moment she latched onto his in her struggles to breathe.  We cried when we realized she was slipping away and I whispered in her ear, "It's ok, Jesus is waiting for you."  Watching the movie I wondered, did she have her own Fantine?  Was an angel there adding to my thoughts in her ear, "Yes, He's just over there!"?  Or perhaps Jesus himself was there stroking her cheek saying, "I'm right here dear child.  Come to me."  I like to think so.  We know that she felt no pain as she went to Jesus, but I often worry if she was scared.  But then I remember how peaceful her face was during those few moments.  I did not feel her body tense up in her struggles to breathe.  She didn't even furrow her eye brows like she had when she'd cry.  She just snuggled in, held Daddy's finger, locked eyes with us and left.  Jesus had to have been with her, I just know it.  I'm thankful He isn't too big to comfort a dying infant and her family and that He ushered her straight into Heaven and into His warm embrace.  I can't wait to meet her again and snuggle with her as she tells me the "Jesus" side of the story.

♥♥♥♥♥

It's a....

It was so hard for me to wait for my big ultrasound at 20 weeks.  After losing the babies last year, I just was having a hard time keeping my nerves in check.  I'm still only having one OB appointment every 4 weeks and baby's movements still aren't super pronounced or regular, so I just wanted to see the baby and make sure everything was ok.  We had planned on Samuel and I just going to the appointment, but at the last minute that didn't work out, so the 4 of us headed for the doctor's office to have a look at our baby.  Malachi wants a brother so badly (he does say that he'd still love the baby if it was another sister) and Sapphira wants a "girl baby" (she says she will only play with the baby if it's a girl...oy).  We told the technician that we wanted to know the gender that day, but didn't want her to say it out loud because we wanted to surprise the kids later.  After just a bit of scanning we were able to see the parts we wanted to see and the technician went on to measure all the things she needed to.  I'm telling you, this baby was a goober!  It wouldn't stop moving and the technician was having a hard time keeping up with all it's wiggles.  At one point, she even had me lay so far over on my side that I was basically laying on my belly to pin the baby in to get a measurement.  She ended the appointment by saying that "un-officially" the baby looked great and that was one of the hardest babies she's ever worked with!  Sheesh.

After the kids went to nap, I went to Target and had fun buying things for the baby.  I wrapped them up once I got home and then we took the kids out to special supper to celebrate seeing the baby and to tell them what kind of baby was coming.  Sapphira opened her gift first...some white and pink princess jammies and a flowered onesie set.  Sapphira was excited that she opened princess jammies but no light bulbs were going off yet.  Then Malachi opened his gift...a plush pink elephant toy complete with crinkle sounds and tabs to suck on.  They both just sat there. 

"Do you know what these presents mean?  See the clothes are really little and the toy is for a baby." 

Nothing. 

"Momma has a girl baby in her belly!"  Sapphira immediately started yay-ing and Malachi slumped back in his seat and gave me back the toy...not a happy brother. 

"But I wanted a boy baby." 

"I know sweetheart, but God chooses the babies that come into our family.  You know, Jesus must have known that you were an extra special big brother to sisters to give you two!  You can be a super hero big brother!" 

"Humph"

"You can protect her from other kids and make sure she's happy and has what she needs."

You could see his wheels turning.  "Well, I guess I could save her if she started to fall."

After thinking about it for the rest of dinner, he started to become more and more ok with having another little sister.  Several days later, he announced that if the baby wanted Daddy while he was at work, he would hold the baby and make her happy since he is also a boy.  I know that things will be rough when we first bring her home, but it seems as though I might be able to better reason with Malachi and Sapphira this time around since they are older.  It was so good to see her little profile and the beginnings of chub on her arms and legs.  Although we still haven't decided on a name, it's nice not to call her "it" or just "the baby" anymore.  Here's hoping these next few months go quickly!!!

Observation Day

On the first class of each month, the ballerina's families are invited to sit in on the class to watch their girls.  Sapphira was excited to show me how her class works and I was anxious to see her dance.  I was also proud that I only cried for just a second! ;)

 Aren't they the cutest things ever!!!

 Stretching her muscles.

 The train song and the corresponding dance is her favorite part of class!

I love this picture of Sapphira and her teacher.  I can see Sapphira's total admiration for Miss R on her face and I can tell that Miss R really does care about her girls.  ♥♥♥

 Getting to dance with ribbons.  She was very happy to have gotten a purple one! :) 

Now everytime Sapphira has class she askes if I can come watch her that day and always acts bummed when it's not an observation day.  Love it!

Ballerina Sapphira

A dear friend of mine at church is a trained ballerina and as a ministry, she offers ballet classes through our church.  She is incredibly patient, knows just how to interact each age group, puts emphasis on using our bodies and our dancing as another way to offer praise to Jesus, and really just loves the girls and our Lord.  She starts each class with a prayer and ends their time together thanking Jesus.  My two nieces have been taking lessons from her for the last couple years and Sapphira has been waiting anxiously for her turn to dance.  Even with the paper chain count down I made her, she'd ask nearly everyday if it was time for "rina school" yet.  The morning I was able to tell her that "today is the day" was the best day of her little life!  After nap, we put on her tights, leotard and leg warmers and headed to church.

Isn't she the cutest ballerina you've ever seen??  She was so excited to put her dance skirt and shoes and look like a real "rina".  Goodness I love her!

Trying to make her skirt twirl like the other big girls.

As all the other girls and their families started coming, she got a bit unsure and decided to watch them from a distance.

The three little girls on the right are all other 3 year olds in her class and Miss M on the left was kind enough to show the littler ones how to pose.

Such beautiful happy girls.

Sapphira really enjoyed herself and talked for several days about all the things they did in class.  Every morning she asks if it's a "rina school" day.  I'm so glad to be able to let my kids to fun things that they want to do and at the same time learn about Jesus.  The older my kids get, the more I realize that it really does take a village to raise them and I'm grateful that my village includes so many wonderful Christ-centered people!

Cubbies and Sparkies

September 12th marked the beginning of AWANA's at our church.  This year, Malachi moved up to Sparks and Sapphira was over the moon to be able to start Cubbies and wear a blue vest like she'd seen on her brother for the last two years.

I didn't get on the ball this year and get the kids pre-registered, so they didn't get their vests until we got to church for the first day of club.  Sapphira was happy to be able to use her book bag again and get a book with verses to work on to put in it.  I think Malachi was most excited about the fact he got to start wearing a red vest now since that's his favorite color. :)

I know that Sapphira will do great in Cubbies, but I worry a bit about Malachi.  In Cubbies, all the clubbers learn the same verse each week and work through their books at the same pace.  Once you start Sparks, you work at your own pace...as quickly or slowly as you want.  Malachi had many weeks in Cubbies when he just didn't want to work a verse, so I wonder if he'll have a hard time wanting to work on sections at all now that it's a different set up.  Something to pray about!  Even if saying verses is a struggle for either of my babies, I know they'll have fun time playing games, listening to Bible stories and learning more about and getting closer to the Lord!