Natalie's Day

Since Samuel was working on Natalie's actual birthday, we decided to celebrate Natalie on her Heaven Day.  We took the kids to see Wreck It Ralph at the $2 movie theater and had popcorn and soda while we watched.  Malachi and Sapphira really enjoyed the show and Amira was such a good baby...so quiet and snuggly.  Then we got 7 lavender balloons from the grocery store and headed home to let the kids color pictures for their sister before we let them off.

Working hard for their sister.

Malachi's picture for Natalie.  Every year we let them draw whatever they'd like which is always so sweet, but Malachi's was sad this year, too.  On the left is a drawing of our dog Duke who died several years ago.  The circle around him is the hole he's buried in.  Next to Duke is Natalie in "her hole".  He said that they are in their holes because they died and they are in Heaven now with Jesus.  Very true, sweet and sad.  Love you, Bubbo.

 Here's Sapphira's picture.  She drew her sister and then asked how to write her name.  Such a sweet girl.

Our yearly picture on Natalie's Day.  I love having the family pictures but hate that they will always be missing one member.

Malachi let his off so quickly I didn't get a picture of him with them.  Off they go! 

 So excited to send her sister balloons for her Heaven birthday.

 

 Off they go!

 Malachi blowing kisses.

Watching them until we couldn't see them anymore.

I'm so thankful that I am able to teach my children about their sister and do fun things in her memory, but on the other hand it makes my heart ache.  I wish they could have met her, felt how soft her skin was and heard her little noises.  I wish the fact that babies die isn't abnormal to them.  I wish I didn't have to console them because they miss their sister when my heart is aching at the same time.  I wish it could be different, but since it can't I can be glad.  Glad that they recognize her in pictures immediately.  Glad that they always remember to include her when we are counting up the members of our family.  Glad that they are looking forward to meeting her when we get to Heaven.  Thank you Lord for Natalie and take good care of her until we can again some day.  

We love you, Natalie!

A hand to hold...

This is probably not the way to break my blog silence.  This a thoughtful and sad post.  I plan on updating with all the holiday posts with happy pictures soon, but this was on my mind...

Last night, I went to see Les Miserables with three dear friends and one new one.  I had been anticipating this movie and was excited to watch all the big name actors do their stuff and sing.  I have never seen any of the other movies or had any exposure to this story, so little did I know it was so full of suffering.  The story follows several characters through the times of the French Revolution, highlighting their struggles and, for most of them, chronicling their deaths.  I was amazed that I, in my hormonal and always-on-the-verge-of-tears state, didn't cry when I watched Fantine, hallucinate her daughter, Cosette's image and die crying out to her and worrying about her well-being.  I didn't shed a single tear when a small boy not much older than Malachi was shot and killed by the French soldiers for taking up the Revolution's cause.  I just shuddered when Javert through himself from a bridge because he felt so badly about his past.

I thought I might make it through the entire heart breaking story without crying, until the last scene.  One of the main characters, Jean ValJean, the man who sat with Fantine when she died and promised to care for her Cosette as his own, saw that she was to be well taken care of by her soon-to-be husband and snuck away to a convent to die alone.  The newlyweds, on their wedding day, found out where he was, rushed to his side and pleaded with him to hold on because there was still so much for him to live for.  As they begged him not to go, Fantine appears to Jean and comforts him as he dies and makes his transition to his afterlife.  Although his daughter was weeping at his feet, Jean was not scared or sad because Fantine was with him.  I cried and cried, but not for Jean ValJean or even Cosette. 

I wept for my Natalie. 

I know that Samuel and I were with her when she died.  I held tightly to her body and Samuel grasped her finger the moment she latched onto his in her struggles to breathe.  We cried when we realized she was slipping away and I whispered in her ear, "It's ok, Jesus is waiting for you."  Watching the movie I wondered, did she have her own Fantine?  Was an angel there adding to my thoughts in her ear, "Yes, He's just over there!"?  Or perhaps Jesus himself was there stroking her cheek saying, "I'm right here dear child.  Come to me."  I like to think so.  We know that she felt no pain as she went to Jesus, but I often worry if she was scared.  But then I remember how peaceful her face was during those few moments.  I did not feel her body tense up in her struggles to breathe.  She didn't even furrow her eye brows like she had when she'd cry.  She just snuggled in, held Daddy's finger, locked eyes with us and left.  Jesus had to have been with her, I just know it.  I'm thankful He isn't too big to comfort a dying infant and her family and that He ushered her straight into Heaven and into His warm embrace.  I can't wait to meet her again and snuggle with her as she tells me the "Jesus" side of the story.

♥♥♥♥♥

A Dash

This morning I attended a memorial service for my sweet Great Aunt Jack.  I wasn't close to her and hadn't seen her in a couple years, but I will always remember her sweet spirit and fun laugh.  She was an amazing woman.  She has left a large hole in her family's lives and will be sorely missed, but I'm thankful that she is healed and no longer in any pain and rejoicing at the feet of her Savior.

During the short message, the pastor mentioned that he often sees an epitaph on a headstone which makes him wonder about what type of person they were.  These sayings are engraved right below their date of birth and date of passing with a small dash in between.  How can this small little dash sum up a person's life?  It cannot come close!  He continued talking and went in a different direction with his observations, but I couldn't keep my mind from wondering to my Natalie and how thankful I was for her punctuation.  After we discovered her disabilities at her 20 week ultrasound, my OB told us that her skull deformity was so severe that if she was born alive that we would have 20 minutes at most with her and that she wouldn't be able to see, hear or feel anything.  As we anticipated her birthday, one of the things that often bothered me was the fact that there would probably only be one date on her urn...no dash.  We prayed for her complete healing, but if that wasn't in the Lord's plan for her, extra time and hair to cut and save.  While her healing was not in His plan for her life, the Lord blessed us with a dash...she lived 2 minutes shy of 40 hours which took place over three different days.  (She was also a very hairy baby...she had so much of the silkiest black hair all over her tiny body!!)  I sometimes feel a bit guilty when I compare our experience with Natalie to my fellow baby loss mommas.  Some families don't get a dash unless you count hours or minutes and others don't even get a single moment to look into their child's eyes or hear a sweet coo.  I can only imagine the heartache that brings.  Even so, when we received the urn we ordered for her, I couldn't help but run my finger over her name and those two sweet dates and silently offer a prayer of gratitude for those three days when time stopped, Heaven came down, and the world was perfect.  

Thank you for her dash, Lord.  Thank you.

Instagrammin'

Ever since we got our iPhone complete with their awesome cameras, I have been guilty of not using our nice SLR nearly as often as we should. It's heavy, an extra thing to carry with us and we already have our phones with us where ever we go. So, while I get better at schlepping our big camera around, Instagram pics will have to do. ;)

new sparkly shoes; rear view mirror fun; waving goodbye to Daddy

break dancing bee; trying a new drink for the first time in years (it was yummy!!!); love these hands ♥

making new friends; Mother's Day sidewalk art; did anyone else spend grade school recess making daisy chains?

Malachi used part of his birthday money to get himself a Captain America; just chillin'; best buds

racing and running; garage sale fun; so excited about the gift he wrapped and addressed himself

stylin' in her new tutu from Grandma; Natalie's rose in full bloom; interesting outfit choices

Cry out to Jesus

At Natalie's memorial service we had two songs played, With Hope by Steven Curtis Chapman and Cry Out to Jesus by Third Day.  Usually when these songs play on the radio, we turn the music off because it is usually too difficult to hear them...they remind us so much of over sweet daughter and having to plan her service instead of bringing her home.

Monday night, as I drove home from work in the dark, Third Day's song started to play.  Being tired and a bit emotional, I turned it off since I didn't want to be a blubbering idiot when I got home.  Crisis diverted.  Tuesday morning, as I pulled into the parking lot at work, the same song started to play.  I haven't heard this song twice in as many months, so I thought it was a bit strange and instead of turning it off, I decided to turn it up and listen to see what God had to tell me.  As I sat in my hot truck, I let the words sink into my heart...



To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
When you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keepin' you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing
And there is no one who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary
And love for the broken hearts
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are

Cry out to Jesus
Cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
Have lost all of their faith in love
And they've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough

For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you're not alone
In your shame and your suffering

There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary
And love for the broken hearts
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are

Cry out to Jesus

When you're lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out
You just cry out to Jesus

Cry to Jesus

To the widow who suffers from being alone
Wipin' the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight

There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary
And love for the broken hearts
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
That meets you wherever you are

There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary
And love for the broken hearts
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
That meets you wherever you are

Cry out to Jesus
Cry out to Jesus

Cry out to Jesus
Cry out to Jesus

Thank you Lord for using my daughter to minister to my aching heart. Thank you for helping me remember that you lost your Son, too, and that You understand our pain.  I'm thankful for your gentle reminder to cry out to You and You'll hear and hold us close.  Thank you, Lord, thank you...

Heaven Day

Once we got home from the children's museum, we got ready to send Natalie her balloons.  I asked the kids if they wanted to send a drawing to her with their balloons and they got right to work.

Malachi asked for a sheet of plain paper and found a some stickers to put on it.  He didn't want to write his message himself, but I wrote what he wanted to say to his big sister.  He had quite a bit of fun drawing all around the stickers with a pencil.  So sweet.

Sapphira picked a page from one of her favorite coloring books and made sure to color on both sides.  She also told me what she wanted to write and what color to write it in.  

 Our yearly family picture with Natalie's balloons.

 Daddy was playing with the camera while I went inside to untangle the balloons.  Such a sweet boy! (I just noticed Sapphira's goofy face in the back ground...what a goober!)

 I love this picture of her, but it's super washed out.  I played with it for a while...it's decent now.  She's so beautiful!

 Getting ready to send his balloons to Sissy

 So excited about hers!

 All six balloons on their way! (there are two teeny-tiny ones in the lower left hand corner).  Right before Samuel and I let ours go, we each said something to her and asked the kids if they wanted to tell her anything.  Malachi went first and said "I love you Natalie!  Hope you get these in Heaven!!!  I miss you!" all while wiggling and dancing.  Sapphira also said, "I love you and miss you Na-nee!".  I'm thankful they feel like they know and love her enough to say things like that to her.

 We got cupcakes to celebrate and sang "Happy Birthday" to her.  

 Such a cheeser!

Yummo!

Celebrating Natalie

This year, Natalie's birthday fell on a Wednesday and with Samuel's school in the morning and AWANA's in the evening, we decided to take her Heaven day, Friday, off to spend time together as a family and do something fun to remember our sweet sissy.  After a lesurely morning, we headed to a children's museum about one hour away.  Get ready...I'm about to bombard you with pictures! :)

 Malachi the Builder!

Sapphira loved the grocery store!

She wasn't giving up her checker spot for anything...thankfully these kids were happy to load up her conveyor belt. :)

Malachi really loved the veterinary clinic.  He took very good care of this sweet dog.

Checking it's ears...

...and giving him a nice warm bath.

He also scheduled a follow up appointment! ;)

Sapphira even took a shift on the phones.  We spent quite a bit of time in the section of the museum.

This rice table was also a hit with Sapphira.

I'm thinking I might have to have Samuel build a rice table for her this summer!

The last thing we did before we left was play in the water area.  There were several small fountains and pools to play in and experiment with water flow.  So fun!  I was so thankful there were waterproof smocks to wear...I wasn't too keen on changing the kids' clothes in the bathroom.

.  Sapphira played for a bit before completely melting down and going out to the car with Daddy.  All that fun did a number on her!

This was Malachi's favorite area.  He spent quite a while playing on this water table and fitting the colored walls into the pegs in the table to make different paths for the ducks and boats to travel down, and experimenting with how quickly or slowly the water ran. 

After a couple minutes all the other kids went to different water activities, leaving Malachi alone to create his own "river" for the boats.  He was able to play all by himself for at least 10 minutes.

Other highlights of the day were a life-sized lite brite with huge pegs just the right size for Sapphira's hands; an "ambulance" complete with steering wheel, emergency lights and bed for the sick patient (Sapphira will tell you she wants to be an ambulance driver when she grows up, so she was soooo excited!); a wooden train table; a puppet stage with a video camera that projected your show on the wall; and a big digging pit filled with chunks of rubber and lots of shovels and tractors to go around.  There was also a room where you could use real clay to make a project and have it fired to take home.  We didn't do that since there was an extra fee and it was too far to drive to come back to pick up once it was fired.  Maybe a different day.

We had tons of fun together and will make it a point to come back to this museum again.  I'm so thankful we were able to find something interesting to do together that kept us all entertained.  Too bad big sister couldn't join us...we love you, Natalie!!!

6 years...

March 14th marked Natalie's 6th birthday.  6???  How can that be??? Most days it feels like it was just yesterday that she was just minutes old, resting on my chest while the three of us took each other in.  But then there are the days that her birth seems like eons ago and I worry about forgetting the little things about her, like how her second two rested up above all her other toes like her daddy's or her sweet little cries when we would undress her...she wanted back in her nice warm blanket, thank you very much!  Oh sweet baby girl, we are doing our best to tell your brother and sister about you constantly and include you in our everyday lives.  Malachi now remembers to tell people that he has two sisters and is excited that he asked Jesus into his heart so he can see you and Jesus in Heaven one day.  Sapphira talks about you often and needs hugs on a regular basis because she misses you so much.  You are so loved and missed sweet Natalie.  We can't wait to see you again one day soon.  Many hugs and kisses, Momma

Snow in March?

Yes, that is right...snow in March.  So strange to me.  I couldn't get a quick google answer for the last time we had snow in March, but I don't ever remember snow this late and I've lived here all my life!

Malachi woke up and came into my room to snuggle at 7:45.  I pulled him in bed with me and turned on his favorite show (I do this every morning so that he doesn't wake up his sister.  Bubs got the early riser gene from Samuel and Sis the sleep in one from me.)  For some reason, he looked out the mini-blinds and declared "it's snowing!".  He often mistakes frost for snow, but he was insistent it was real snow, so I looked myself.  Sure enough, lots of big snow flakes were falling and the grass was completely covered.  He was so excited.  I think all the commotion woke up Sapphira since she started crying and calling for me to get her out of bed (she woke up nearly 2 hours earlier than her usual...this evening should be interesting!).  We watched it fall together for a bit before it tapered off and Malachi asked to go outside.  It took me a while to put together warms outfits for them (Malachi ended up wearing my pink gloves...it doesn't snow enough here so I don't keep good track of where the kid's warm hats and gloves are!) and it had nearly all melted in the front yard, so we headed out back.  

Sadie was sooooo happy to have someone to play with!

Playing with her snowy outdoor kitchen.

This little boy is always digging!

♥

She's always with us...even in the snow.

We saw a couple types of birds and even a squirrel ran across our fence this morning.

I was surprised by how much life there was in our backyard given it's been so cold lately.  

This is what I get for asking her to smile...goodness I love her.

Here's how picture taking goes at the Ramos house.  I asked to hug each other and smile nicely...

...first comes the cheesers...

...oh Bubba...

...not you, too, Sapphira!

Finally!  I just love them!

We didn't get to stay out too long since the snow quickly melted and mud soon developed, but long enough to get some energy out and have some fun!  Yay for an exciting morning!  Now to get ready for work!  oy :)