(Sorry if this post isn't put together well. My brain is quite scattered today, my anxiety is threatening to get the best of me, and I cried about a tiny baby girl in the foyer at church this morning. oy)
Last month, I was aware of when my cycle was occurring and we made a conscious effort to get pregnant. Since my last miscarriage in August, I had been starting my period several days earlier than I ever have (usually the day after I should have ovulated), so when this early "start date" came and went with nothing happening, I had a feeling that we were successful in conceiving. This is the same feeling I got about each of my baby's genders (and had been correct about all three times we got that far), so I took a pregnancy test. Positive. I hadn't missed the traditional start of my period yet, but since I had gotten 3 or 4 positive pregnancy tests, we felt pretty confident that we had indeed conceived. On February 13th, I took another test at home when I woke up, but it was negative, so we decided I should go in for a blood draw to get a more accurate answer. The blood work came back negative, and I started my period later that day. After doing some online research, we discovered that the brand of home tests we using are reliable and also learned about chemical pregnanices, and we feel pretty certain that this is what happened to us.
Like I have stated before, we believe that life begins at the moment of conception, so I am sure that we have another little one waiting in Heaven for us. I know that I never really missed my period, so had we not been trying we would have never known of this child's existence until we met Jesus, but for us, the loss stings just as much. Those 2 or 3 days of thinking I was pregnant brought so much hope. After so much dispair, it was incredible how little hope it took to start thinking of names and planning life a year from now. We found ourselves talking about if we would need a new car and talking about how things would work with 3 babies at home. I was telling a close friend that I felt a little silly for starting to get excited since I knew all to well that it could be all gone tomorrow. We both agreed that we need to "bond" with and love our children no matter now long they are around. We wouldn't have denied Natalie love even though she wasn't to live long, would we? So now we look forward to another little one waiting for us at Jesus' feet. While I am soooo thankful for my life and family here on earth, there are some days I think meeting Jesus can't come soon enough.
Mommy loves you, babies. xoxoxoxo