Right after the devasting earthquake in Turkey in October, I was reading an article (this wasn't the exact one, but it was similar) about a 2 week old baby girl, her momma and grandmother being rescued from their apartment building nearly 48 hours after it collapsed. The little girl's name is Azra. The author goes on to state that the name Azra means pure or untouched in arabic. I had been feeling bad that the baby we lost in August didn't have a name, but we hadn't found a name that we thought fit or that we liked. I know that it was God who prompted me to click on that article, because I have been avoiding things that had to do with babies lately. I had a feeling that I might have been carrying another girl, so this name just fit. Once I saw it, I told Samuel about it and he said, "yah...that's good." and it was done.
Sweet little Azra...pure and untouched and snuggling with Jesus. Hope you are having fun with your brother and sister, running and playing...well, perfect and whole. We love you so much.
Showing posts with label Baby #5. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Baby #5. Show all posts
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Remembering...
"When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses his or her partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn't a word to describe them." President Ronald Reagan.
Today is pregnancy and infant loss rememberance day. Please light a candle from 7-8 pm in your time zone so there will be a wave of light traveling around the world in honor of our sweet babies. I will do so today in memory of all the babies I know who left too soon, but especially my three lovies:
Today is pregnancy and infant loss rememberance day. Please light a candle from 7-8 pm in your time zone so there will be a wave of light traveling around the world in honor of our sweet babies. I will do so today in memory of all the babies I know who left too soon, but especially my three lovies:
Natalie Sapphira-3.14.06-3.16-06
Asher-2.2011
and Baby Ramos, whom we never got to meet-9.2011
I'm praying for all my fellow baby loss momma today as you remember your sweethearts. xoxo
Monday, September 5, 2011
Missing them...
Missing my 5 year old girl who should be starting kindergarten tomorrow...
Missing my nearly 40 week pregnant belly that should be beyond swollen in preparation for our new edition to our new family...Missing prenatal appointments and the beginnings of little movements signaling the growth within my womb...
Missing my babies today
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Click, click...
I originally wrote this post a month and a half ago, right after we found out that yet another pregnancy might end in miscarriage. These are thoughts I revisit often and use to comfort my grieving heart...
Fans of the TV show The Office can relate to this story. At Jim and Pam's wedding, they vow to take mental pictures of their special day since it would go by too fast so they remembered the little things forever. I watched this episode and tucked this cheesy little anecdote away in my mind thinking it was kind of cute. Fast forward to February when I will still pregnant with Asher...I has always had an uneasy feeling about this pregnancy, but thought it was just worry about being able to handle three children and disturbing the "balance" at home. I just couldn't shake this terrible feeling, and was hoping that my second appointment with my OB would help calm my nerves. On Sunday, February 20, the day before my scheduled visit, we ate lunch out after church with my in-laws like we do nearly every week. We chose a Burger King (hey, don't judge! :) It's one of the only places we can get both kids to actually eat!) which has an outdoor eating area that faces the window near the table where we normally eat. Malachi asked to eat outside, but being February, that wasn't an option. All four kids (my youngest nieces live with my in-laws) were extra squirmy at lunch so we decided to let them run around in the outdoor area for a bit before taking off. I stayed inside with all of our stuff, but sat right next to the window to watch. The kids, especially our two were having a blast just running and running and couldn't stop giggling. Sapphira noticed me inside and would come running up to and put her hands and nose on the window and just cackle. Something inside me, later I realized this was the Holy Spirit, brought the mental picture taking to mind. I sat and watching with a stupid smile on my face, my brain snapping away these little moments. Deep down inside, I knew that life would be changing the following morning, and I needed to grasp at happiness while I could. Now again, as life seems so uncertain (and soooo not fair!), I cling to those mental photographs. Two ridiculously happy children, running, laughing, oblivious to life's troubles. Thank you, Lord...oh how I love these children.
Fans of the TV show The Office can relate to this story. At Jim and Pam's wedding, they vow to take mental pictures of their special day since it would go by too fast so they remembered the little things forever. I watched this episode and tucked this cheesy little anecdote away in my mind thinking it was kind of cute. Fast forward to February when I will still pregnant with Asher...I has always had an uneasy feeling about this pregnancy, but thought it was just worry about being able to handle three children and disturbing the "balance" at home. I just couldn't shake this terrible feeling, and was hoping that my second appointment with my OB would help calm my nerves. On Sunday, February 20, the day before my scheduled visit, we ate lunch out after church with my in-laws like we do nearly every week. We chose a Burger King (hey, don't judge! :) It's one of the only places we can get both kids to actually eat!) which has an outdoor eating area that faces the window near the table where we normally eat. Malachi asked to eat outside, but being February, that wasn't an option. All four kids (my youngest nieces live with my in-laws) were extra squirmy at lunch so we decided to let them run around in the outdoor area for a bit before taking off. I stayed inside with all of our stuff, but sat right next to the window to watch. The kids, especially our two were having a blast just running and running and couldn't stop giggling. Sapphira noticed me inside and would come running up to and put her hands and nose on the window and just cackle. Something inside me, later I realized this was the Holy Spirit, brought the mental picture taking to mind. I sat and watching with a stupid smile on my face, my brain snapping away these little moments. Deep down inside, I knew that life would be changing the following morning, and I needed to grasp at happiness while I could. Now again, as life seems so uncertain (and soooo not fair!), I cling to those mental photographs. Two ridiculously happy children, running, laughing, oblivious to life's troubles. Thank you, Lord...oh how I love these children.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Heavenly Welcoming Committee
I'm sure most of my blog's readers have already learned this news, but for the sake of memory keeping, I need to post this here as well. This kinda explains my lack of posting. :)
At the beginning of this month, August 3rd to be exact, I suffered another miscarriage. We found out June 10th that we were expecting again with an estimated due date of February 26, 2012. At that point I was only 3 weeks along and my OB had me come in for an ultrasound on July 1st to measure the baby for age and to help us feel better after losing Asher. At that appointment, the gestational sac appeared empty and measured right around 5 weeks which is often too early to see anything developing. They ran some blood tests and my hCG levels were right on track so they didn't order any follow up tests. On July 11th, I had another ultrasound which my OB performed. At this point, we still didn't see any fetal pole, baby or heartbeat, just a round gestational sac measuring the appropriate size, so my doctor suspected a blighted ovum, but wanted to wait a couple days to look again to be sure. He saw me again on July 15th for a third ultrasound and no change was seen. We decided at this point to wait a couple weeks and see what my body was going to do while being monitored by my OB. We had done a little research and had found some online reports of blighted ova being misdiagnosed and were just praying and trusting that the Lord would fill that sac if it was His best plan for us. I had another appointment with my OB on the 21st since nothing had happened and it was at this point we saw the sac was no longer round or oval shaped, but had started to fold in on itself and looked more like a "c" shape. Although we were still praying for a baby to bring home in February and knew the Lord could perform that miracle, we also were aware that this pregnancy would probably be ending soon. Two weeks after that last ultrasound, I had an uneventful miscarriage at home. This time, the process was quite a bit shorter and less painful and traumatic. I wonder if this is because there wasn't as much "material" to pass, or if it was because I didn't induce the miscarriage with medication and let my body do it one it's own.
From what our OB has told us and the research we have done online, a blighted ovum is when an egg and sperm are fertilized, and the baby starts developing for just a bit and then stops. The gestational sac continues to develop, however, so pregnancy symptoms continue as a normal pregnancy would. We believe that life begins as conception, so we know that we have yet another child waiting to meet us in Heaven. We haven't given this little one a name yet since we don't feel the pressing need to name it like we did with Asher. I wonder if this is because we never got to see our sweetheart or it's heartbeat...I just don't know.
I healed physically quite quickly, and it is easy to get lost in life with two children and ignore the emotional pain and sadness that another loss brings. We have our sad and mad moments, but they are getting fewer and farther between. We didn't specially tell Malachi and Sapphira I was pregnant but didn't hide it either and although Malachi came along for all my ultrasounds, he never got to see a baby, so he didn't really talk about it very much. There was one night, however when talking to my Mom he said, "Momma thinks her baby isn't growing. I just want to have a baby at my house." Goodness...what to say to that one?
We are again blessed and so thankful for the love, support and prayers we received during these last few weeks. I constantly wonder what people who don't know Jesus and have wonderful like-minded friends and family do when in these circumstances. I know I would be so much more of a mess than I already am. Thank you friends and family for your love and thank you Jesus for your promise of Heaven and for taking care of my babies for me until I can again. xoxoxoxoxo
At the beginning of this month, August 3rd to be exact, I suffered another miscarriage. We found out June 10th that we were expecting again with an estimated due date of February 26, 2012. At that point I was only 3 weeks along and my OB had me come in for an ultrasound on July 1st to measure the baby for age and to help us feel better after losing Asher. At that appointment, the gestational sac appeared empty and measured right around 5 weeks which is often too early to see anything developing. They ran some blood tests and my hCG levels were right on track so they didn't order any follow up tests. On July 11th, I had another ultrasound which my OB performed. At this point, we still didn't see any fetal pole, baby or heartbeat, just a round gestational sac measuring the appropriate size, so my doctor suspected a blighted ovum, but wanted to wait a couple days to look again to be sure. He saw me again on July 15th for a third ultrasound and no change was seen. We decided at this point to wait a couple weeks and see what my body was going to do while being monitored by my OB. We had done a little research and had found some online reports of blighted ova being misdiagnosed and were just praying and trusting that the Lord would fill that sac if it was His best plan for us. I had another appointment with my OB on the 21st since nothing had happened and it was at this point we saw the sac was no longer round or oval shaped, but had started to fold in on itself and looked more like a "c" shape. Although we were still praying for a baby to bring home in February and knew the Lord could perform that miracle, we also were aware that this pregnancy would probably be ending soon. Two weeks after that last ultrasound, I had an uneventful miscarriage at home. This time, the process was quite a bit shorter and less painful and traumatic. I wonder if this is because there wasn't as much "material" to pass, or if it was because I didn't induce the miscarriage with medication and let my body do it one it's own.
From what our OB has told us and the research we have done online, a blighted ovum is when an egg and sperm are fertilized, and the baby starts developing for just a bit and then stops. The gestational sac continues to develop, however, so pregnancy symptoms continue as a normal pregnancy would. We believe that life begins as conception, so we know that we have yet another child waiting to meet us in Heaven. We haven't given this little one a name yet since we don't feel the pressing need to name it like we did with Asher. I wonder if this is because we never got to see our sweetheart or it's heartbeat...I just don't know.
I healed physically quite quickly, and it is easy to get lost in life with two children and ignore the emotional pain and sadness that another loss brings. We have our sad and mad moments, but they are getting fewer and farther between. We didn't specially tell Malachi and Sapphira I was pregnant but didn't hide it either and although Malachi came along for all my ultrasounds, he never got to see a baby, so he didn't really talk about it very much. There was one night, however when talking to my Mom he said, "Momma thinks her baby isn't growing. I just want to have a baby at my house." Goodness...what to say to that one?
We are again blessed and so thankful for the love, support and prayers we received during these last few weeks. I constantly wonder what people who don't know Jesus and have wonderful like-minded friends and family do when in these circumstances. I know I would be so much more of a mess than I already am. Thank you friends and family for your love and thank you Jesus for your promise of Heaven and for taking care of my babies for me until I can again. xoxoxoxoxo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
